Pain

*Disclaimer; I was writing when my pad auto updated, so I lost my first draft and train of thought. Anyway, here goes.

Pain, is that indescribable feeling when you hit your little toe against the surface as you walk around in the dark night trying to figure out where the light switch is on the wall.

Pain, is that indescribable feeling when you lose someone, when they go to see the One.

Pain, is that indescribable feeling you get when you give your whole, and someone breaks open glass in case of emergency, at your own expense.

Pain, is that indescribable feeling you have when you are stuck in traffic and are late to that very important business meeting.

Pain is just that indescribable feeling.

I have been a victim of pain. Pain creates negative emotions, hate, anger, desperacy, and more.

And I recently felt pain. Pain that the people I once committed too were happier,  seemingly unbothered by the anger, hate I felt inside of me. And then I realized that I was holding onto this pain. I couldn’t grow because I held onto this pain. And I needed to be done with this.

Allowing myself to feel this pain helped me rethink, re-evaluate, remodel, revitalize, be reborn. Allowing myself to wallow in this pain didn’t allow for growth. It only created soul ties to a past I never wanted to relive, and I need to let go of this pain. By birthing myself in this pain, I allowed myself to grow. It allowed me to reset myself and purify that which I hold dearest too. Letting go allowed for me to take on new challenges, renew my relationships and friendships.

Pain is essential to growth. It allows us to stop. Holding onto that pain slows the process of healing, and we all know what happens when wounds are not allowed to heal, there’s no scar. So, feel the pain. The indescribable feeling of freedom when the chains finally get untangled is refreshing. 

Growth

It’s about that time of the year to review and renew what we claimed we would be/do/answer to/reflect/achieve in 2017.

I for one had the simplest resolutions. I mean, after two years of excruciating and painstaking brain storming, I came to the realization that when it comes to resolutions, we will always most likely fall short. I failed twice, coming really close the second time.

I just realized that in making resolutions and chasing after them, I was only growing. A growth that was compounded only when I achieved the resolutions. Now I am not saying that you should throw out those resolutions – for those that take it as serious as I do, I am just saying that it’s time to reinvent the way you achieve your growth.

In this case, I am talking about the youthful generation. I barely have the experience to talk about some generational gaps. I am well versed with my own to some extent. Anyway, looking back and reviewing my 2014 through to my 2017, I kept on asking myself one question, ‘Am I on the right track?’ This is a question I’ve kept on asking myself and came to the conclusion that I might just never have an answer to that.

We live in a generation so obsessed with over achieving at a young age – don’t get me wrong, I actually admire that – but forgets that every thing needs time, and patience. We get caught up in trying to be where we should be whilst skipping the process.

From failed jobs to a failed business, I finally realized what my niche was and thus I knew what to do and how to go about it. I realized by focusing my energies around that niche, bidding my time and being PATIENT was a major key. And as time ticked, and I failed to achieve my resolutions/goals, I came to the realization that I was growing. Not exponentially, but I was indeed growing.

Back to the resolutions….those might never really be achieved unless you have a growth plan. A growth plan is something that breaks down elements within your life to your minutest. Mind the minutest, like Brother Martin used to say when we were in SMACK. From financial targets to spiritual to physical, and also the relationship ones. We tend to forget that growth is compounded. Look at it this way, if your hands grew faster than your head or legs, what would that look like? A growth plan helps you achieve this evenly, or rather relatively evenly.

We all grow. Tomorrow, I will be a day older, but would I be richer, wiser or even better? So, get down to the nitty gritty of your life and develop a growth plan for every aspect of your life and see the wonders it would do for you.

And before I forget, ‘NEW’ year resolutions should be a sequence and a continued effort from previous resolutions. Having different resolutions every other time will only frustrate you. But I am sure when you see it the way I now do, you will understand what needs to be done.

Take your time, enjoy the process, and when you awake tomorrow, you might as well be wiser, richer, healthier and happy.

Aha, mid year blues.

 

Rice and Peas

Oh, that’s what I had for lunch.

The other day, my friend returned to church and the first thing he said when they were asking for testimonies or rather he shouted,”I AM BACK!” Very Terminator-esque but none the less, dope.

I’ve been undertaking a spiritual growth journey recently, that started about a month ago. In this quest for understanding who I am, I sought to understand who created me. I felt that there in lay answers I was looking for.

This year has not been as exciting or as eventful as I hoped it would, well, the cool stuff for me is yet to come. I thought we’d continue on a high like we ended last year but then, my workers were wasteful on site, old clients put a halt to ongoing projects and well, the rest sort of fell into place.

The year ended whilst I was soul searching. I felt that there was a version of me that was better than the one I had right now. And now, I think I am on my way.

It’s difficult when you try to purpose your life based on what you believe is the way to go. To want to be in control of everything is what many of us do every day, and when we fail to control, we then seek God looking for salvation in that moment, and when it’s sorted, we sort, or rather grab the reins from Him. I used to do that, and now, I am none the wiser.

So yes, in this spiritual that was inspired by a friend I decided to let go of the reins. And I dare say, it’s the hardest thing I have ever done. To wholeheartedly believe that you are purposed for God’s bidding and doing is something that I have come to rather see and believe because ever since I started this journey, I have come to a realization that there’s a peace, a comfort, a joy, a fear, uncertainty when you decided to walk down this path. Then again, when you are walking down this path, you are not alone.

So yes, I am very grateful. I am grateful that I’ve started this journey and let go of the reins, and let God do His thing. Am I scared? Shitless! But that’s what happens when you let go. Do I accept? Yes.

Happy mid month!

 

 

P.3A Musings – First Day of School

Back in the day, 1996 to be exact, I transitioned from a day primary school to a boarding primary school. It was all sorts of exciting my first day. It was Wednesday and I checked into P.3A at around 3:00pm that afternoon. Ms Nabwire my class teacher welcomed me with open arms. I look different from most of my classmates. My eyes had life yet theirs looked like the lunch they had just an hour ago was there no more.

Boarding school had been a big dream of mine. I had spent the whole of my first term of P.3 in Kitante Primary school convincing my parents that boarding school would be the best thing that happened to me. I doubt they actually knew the reasons why I wanted to go to boarding school so bad. I’d spent the holiday with my friend James, and from how he described boarding school, it sounded a lot like Jesus’ second coming – paradise.

James had told me that he was given pocket money and was allowed to carry grab, and he had proof to show. He had returned home that holiday with 800/- shillings of the 1,000/- shillings he was given at the beginning of the term. While standing at the neighbourhood canteen with James narrating what boarding school was like, while buying ball gum for 50/- shillings, I knew I had to join too. He then told me how he still had some of the g.nuts, small daddies, biscuits and quencher left over from the previous term at home. I was even more sold. Boarding school was a must. He also told me that there was a visiting day where parents brought all sorts of food when they came to see you and you could eat all you want. What? This was the nail, the hammer at that point was useless.

And here I was now, looking at a bunch of starved kids, looking back at me like their next prey. It was then that I realized that I had made a very very huge mistake. To top all that, my parents left for home without leaving me any pocket money. Nor did they leave me with g.nuts, small daddies, biscuits or even quencher. Remembering, James had told me that they carried lear, or was it layer, maybe leah? Oh well, there was no leah in this school. Layer was clothes you carried from home that was not uniform and was worn when you were done with the main school stuff. Well, St. Savio had a bunch of red clothes I had to put on when all the school stuff was done.

Was the dream James sold me different from what my reality was? Where was James? I thought there was only one boarding primary school? Did he go to a different one? At that moment, standing in front of Ms Nabwire, I was not going to school, I was walking into jail. It was then that I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life, thinking like an adult. Was this really boarding school?

29

I have had a lot to write about recently but where my mind has been, even I could not dig it out. But today, I must write because today begins a transition, significantly more important, or less, because I was born 29 years ago (some still say I am 24! Thanks Kylie). As I begin this rather exciting journey, I honestly look back at some significant things that have happened in my life. Also, I feel old albeit still feeling young. Life is but a paradox! 

1. I’d like to thank my parents. Honestly, I sometimes think they look at me and wonder, is this what we made? I don’t think I have disappointed them yet, or have I? Nonetheless, I am here because of them and now that I am old, and know how babies are made, eeeewwwww mum and dad.

2. Being a first born is dope. Till you get competition, and some more, and then you just stop being relevant when the fifth comes along. Yes, I am talking about my siblings who took my limelight year after year. Those idiots surprisingly are good company till they take some of the love that was originally yours.

3. I was born on Easter Sunday these many years ago. And 3 is my fave number. Sometimes I feel like Jesus, because of my birthday. Well, my point is that 3 is my fave number.

4. I once escaped from home – Makerere, when I was 4 to go for my cousin’s birthday in Kamwokya. My mum claims, I am not to sure or even remember doing this but hey, my big head got beaten because of that. 

5. My neigbour once gave me a toy car for my birthday and after we cut the cake, this dude took back his toy car. Apparently the father hadn’t given him permission to. I know, it’s been this long but hey, I can forgive but not forget. Got circumcised too! Lol.

6. I had my first crush.

7. I once got drunk and passed out in a banana plantation at a baptism party somewhere in Nabbingo. The coke tasted different. My uncle gave me some of his punch and I was KOed before I knew it. Luckily, I woke up in time for the cake cutting. I love cake too.

8. I joined boarding school.

9. Mehn, I was still in boarding school and it sucked but hey, I had made the decision all because my cousin was given pocket money.

10. I was in a heist. Bun robbers to be precise. Our buns has been locked up by the class teacher because we were noise makers. So, I decided to take the initiative and break into the cupboard. That’s how I met my best friend, then. 

11. Boarding school had refused to end, but I was just a year away from P.7, I had to hung in there. The system had broken me. And then my class teacher comes to tell us that we shall never stop learning. This hurt, seeing as I was tired of school. Little did I know that I would understand this when I was finally done with school.

12. Finally! Done with boarding school, candidate of the millennium. And then my arch rival was born. The last of five, first of they took all the love from us! My baby brother. 

13. I thought I grew up a little here. Oh the famed secondary school level! And my passion for writing was thus ignited. I started to write in a journal. I should look up some of these journals and see where my mind was!

14. Secondary school was easy. And my innate passion for Architecture was triggered. I was rather fascinated by buildings.

15. I read my first Novel. Not sure what the title was, but it was a Sydney Sheldon book. Thought him to be a lady seeing as most of his protagonists were ladies.

16. Of crushes and love letters. Hello, CLAK! I also learnt to drive. I once stole my father’s car just to drive around the nieghbourhood before I was caught and told to write an apology letter and within it reasons as to why I stole the car! Aha!

17. Almost there. I can finally see the light. Almost done with tertiary education. Honestly, my high school was not as impressive as some people say theirs were! I was a laid back chilled guy trying to live another day. 

18. Uhm. Grown up woot woot. Honestly, it was the first time I realized that I was grown up and I could get jailed. I also went to cooking school because I had the driving thing locked down 😎! 

19. Hello campus and all the bad decisions! Very frightening bad decisions. First successful surgery! First relationship. I remember telling her we were going to get married! 

20. First break up! Who knew relationships were not as rosy as what I watched in the Notebook! 

21. Maybe Architecture is not as easy as I thought it was. 

22. Who am I and why am I here! The famed introspective question hits me. What is life? And the sickness kicks in! Depression also kicks in. There was a lot of anger in me that never seemed to have an outlet! 

23. Hummmm? Life happened. 

24. Isn’t love a beautiful thing. MMMKR!

25. The typical midlife crisis! For Ugandans that is. Isn’t adulting a trap. Got my first job as a client service personnel in an advertising firm. I was tired of Architecture and need a mental break. 

26. Maybe Architecture is not that bad at all. I also started and owned a restaurant, and also failed. 2014 was a year of many things. I also registered my first company!

27. I honestly felt I had been through a lot. Three jobs in three years and a failed restaurant, and a project that took me deep deep into the village was also the reason I needed to officially start my own company.

28. Last year was amazing. C.E.O things aside, I just realized that time is something we barely grasp, and I needed to get myself in order. I also met some really amazing people. I won’t mention them, but they know themselves. They have made my rather mundane life a little thrilling. They’ve got my back even I fall off the chair. They’ve propped me and reminded me that I am special. But what can I say, Lulu and Lula have really been awesome. Eve, Mark, and Justin. Robert and Marvin are the other musketeers. There’s one who went but she won’t be forgotten, Julie – we got your back! 

29. I don’t think I’ve said much, but I am just grateful for the gift of life, for the gift of family, for the gift of friends, for the gift of tomorrow, for the gift of work. The older I grow, the more I realize that the things I held most significant might not matter tomorrow but as long as I stay true to myself, and believe in doing the right thing, and giving my most, I shall be happy. As I start this new year, I don’t believe there can be a new me, but rather a refined me, from the lessons I have learnt these past few years. Like my maths teacher said when I was 10 or 11, we never stop learning. And he should have added something, we never stop growing. Spread love, peace and a little laughter here and there.

Happy birthday Conrad.

Imperfect 

We never stop growing, young or old, we never stop growing. This is a fact.

For a very long time I sought perfection, seeing my way as the only way but recently, I find more and more that even the older me would not like some things the younger me did. I was listening to Lupe’s new album Drogas Light. There’s a song titled Tranquillo in there, and from the title, you can tell that the song is about finding their tranquil space and I’ve been looking for mine. Here’s a snippet from Lupe’s verse…

Peace

No material possessions shall cloud my judgement

As I reach, in an ethereal direction to provide my substance

Love is not found but resides insides me, I manifest this

I will respect myself and wear serenity as my necklace

I will replace what I take and have tranquility as my breakfast

Shed a new light on a new path

I will gain rhythm and lose wrath

Attain wisdom and refuse graph

And build upon what I built on

And wisely regulate time I do have

‘Cause what is defeat?

But just the evidence of my haste

Lack of preparedness, in my waste

So I wait

Surround myself with nutrition, wholesomeness and true livin’

Use natural codes of conduct to remove the schism when the rules missing

I will pursue felicity, find value in simplicity

Altruism and empathy will be the first thing extended to my enemy

Clarity will be the trademark of my friendships

Just invest in my business

And appreciative of the rarity of my existence

Maybe we are just too perfect we are imperfect, or too imperfect to be perfect. Maybe it’s not too late to still be imperfect.

January Randomsies

Good morning.

I hope you are well.

These are my general January randomsies.

Randomsies (n): Hapharzard thoughts that crisscross my mind over a long or short period of time that determine the/my course of action. 

1. Breaking point. I am still looking for that threshold that will determine my reverse scale. Many filthy rich and successful people can easily determine that point that decided that for them, and mine was January. I am not yet filthy rich but January 2017 was a bottom line for me. I have never been as broke as I have ever been, frustrated to the point I opted for a mundane survivor kind of lifestyle. Still today, I am not yet out of this pit but I like the decisions I have made thus far. 

2. Anniversaries. Today, I turn 9 years old on Facebook and WordPress. Happy anniversary to me.

3. Know her friends. I once wrote a spiteful post about lunch with an ex that got some people asking me whether I was crazed in doing that and why I shouldn’t put it down. But for the sake of posterity, and the essence of what I felt then, I will leave it. It just that, like a dominoes effect, a thought occurred to me; do you know her friends? Especially the male ones. I remember one evening out when I dated this girl and one of her friends came over to say hi before asking her if I was still dating her? What? How and why he asked that put me off, thinking that maybe he was told something about a future break up. And from what I had known about him, she was quite close to him. Those friends of hers that became ‘brothers’! Anyway, know your partner’s friends and what they think/feel about you before you get shocked.

4. Love deep? Love strong? Love hard? This is naive poppycock and some deep rooted fallacy. Love yourself first before trying to attempt to love another. Go figure.

5. iPhone emojis vs android texters. I have this one friend who makes it a point to send emojis my android phone can not yet translate and thus it becomes a blank message. And then they make fun of me…and I am not a fan of this.

Uhm, I think that’s all