April

April is the greatest month there is. I don’t need to elaborate on this.

  1. It is my birth month. That already makes it greater than anything. I mean, I just grew a little older.
  2. I got Veronica. Don’t worry, Veronica is my beautiful beast, raves so loud she gets my heart pumping. She’s there for me when the weather is horrible. She carries me too. Who knew she was that strong? She’s expensive, but aren’t all girls expensive? She’s beautiful and her favourite colour is beige. Veronica is my 4 wheeler toyota Kami. Hahahahahaha!
  3. Every day this month I’ve woken up wondering if I will manage to do everything I wanted to do and went to sleep happy that I finally got through the day. There’s nothing as important as my time these days. I make a living from using my time and wasting it means wasting my living. So yes, I am grateful time is on my side.
  4. What is love? Hey, I had to drop this in somewhere somehow! Anyway, I don’t know. Who knows?
  5. There’s a difference between spirituality and religion. And what gets close to spirituality is faith. So, I careless about religion, but I believe in those who have faith and are constantly seeking spirituality, in the constant belief that we are a speck of dust in this unimaginable cog that is life, that is the universe, the multiverse.
  6. Happy New Month.
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Regret

I had never known regret till I failed. I had never known regret until I was failed.

For a very long time I knew I couldn’t fail, at anything – school, sports, name it. I put in the effort and I was duly rewarded. I believed in a free and fair system, that if I did right, and played my part, I would always come out on top and smiling.

In my third year of Architecture school, seemingly high in spirit and in belief, I decided to take on the world, or what I believed was my world. I was the student representative at the faculty, and I believed I was among the best in my class till the end of the semester when my lecturer told me I had failed. FAILED?

What did this mean? What did she mean? I had failed? How? Failing at this level meant I had to wait a whole year before I could continue, and with it came a downward spiral. Anger, frustration, laziness and uncertainty were my daily bread for a whole semester, waiting, waiting for that bitch who failed me. But with time came acceptance, growth, and a subtle fire.

Until today…

Today I looked at regret in the eyes again. And with it a vile bile surged up my tummy while I was trying to have lunch. Today, I looked at what wasted effort felt like. Today, I regretted having believed in something, in someone. Today I regretted in having believed for once that my values could be changed.

It’s taken, and it took time to get to a place where I never regret anything. It’s taken time to come to a place where failure and I are mortal enemies, where success rolls off the sleeves, but today, today, I saw failure. I saw selfishness. I saw immaturity. I saw what I believed I could change, and failed. I’ve hated myself for the decisions leading up to this and I just hope I never make them again.

Today, I had lunch with my ex.

A Year Older

If you asked me if this is where I wanted to be when I got older, I would have laughed. I wouldn’t know. And as I cut cake today to celebrate yet another milestone in my life, I couldn’t but feel grateful.

And so yes, I am grateful that I’ve come this far. I am grateful that I’ve been blessed thus far. I am generally grateful.