Suzanne

The Wild Cat…

For the last two or so weeks, we’ve been visited by this stray cat that prowls the neighborhood garbage bags…and I cordially named it Suzanne. As soon as we get home every evening, it walks to our door and starts meowing. I thought it was our neighbour’s cat but when I inquired, I was told it was a stray. Unfortunately, TIA and I am not about to adopt a stray cat but I surely have grown fond of Suzanne. I don’t know why I called her or him Suzanne but I just think it is a fitting name. 

It’s quite interesting though, when we get home, it comes and rubs its body against my leg like, yo, I’ve been waiting for you. She usually climbs the window by the living room and starts calling us out as we have dinner and as soon as I get up, it runs to the door, waiting, expecting. She’s ideally forced me into budgeting for her every time we get dinner.

Ah, Suzanne. Do you even know that you are being written about? 

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October Blues

So, here goes…

In a conversation with a client, turned friend, I narrated to her about my experience with Banana Girl – refer to earlier post and how she would be doing her final primary leaving examinations (PLE) in a few days.

It so happens that on that day we met and talked, she had just bought cards for a ‘baby’ cousin who was going to be sitting their PLE exams as well. She was so touched by my story she gave me a ‘free’ or rather an extra card she had bought. Lucky me, right? I had promised to buy Caroline Kamahoro a card and deliver it but seeing as I had failed to, this was a grateful opportunity.

So, last evening on my way home, with the signed card from client friend and I, I delivered the card to Caroline, and I hope she aces her exams. The card talked about superceeding your limits, perfect for someone who was going out of their way to excel.

Anyway, here goes, success to you Caroline, the sky is no longer the limit. 

3:35am

My Friday nights are always a stay in because I always want to be on the basketball court early Saturday morning.

Earlier today, I was putting together what I was going to share next. From trying to strain my little brain cells tonight, it must be an experience one way or another, a story about someone. Also, if you are wondering what I am doing up this late, well, I exhausted my sleep two hours ago. I blacked out at around 10:30pm and woke up at 2:00am thinking it is 5:00am.

Today is also kind of special. My closest friend’s sister is getting married and we have to suit up. I know, I am puzzled too, not about me wearing a suit but rather the sooness with which she got married. I just heard about her engagement at the beginning of the year and voila. There’s also something interesting about our baby sister getting married before us old men. Oh well!

So, it’s about 3:43am and I am wondering when I will finally fall asleep because I am not about to take my sleepy head to the basketball court. Yesterday was hectic though. Anyway… 

Good morning…

Trying to bore myself with music ๐Ÿค”

Depression!

Kid Cudi last week checked himself into rehab forย depression and suicidal thoughts!

Today, earlier in the morning, someone started to share their story on depression and how it has affected her.

Well, I would never be depressed, right? Life is for the living. Life is for living.

I once developedย a benign tumorย when I was 18, something that had started when I was 15, and I was operated on. Luckily, it was benign, nothing too serious. I had an operation for it when I was in my vacation, and a localized anesthetic was used. I was okay after sometime, went on with my life.

I’ve always had a hyper active mind but with a general sense of control, I’ve managed to bring down those thoughts to a minor blur. For a very long time, especially from when I was 18, I could never sleep alone in a room, let alone in darkness. I remember most of my vacation was spent with lights on, and that became uncomfortable but I mean, if things are going to shift when the lights are off, I’d rather have them on. I’d sleep with the lights on and when my parents went to bed, they’d turn them off. And when I awoke and found them off, I’d turn them on and go back to bed.

I once thought myself to be bipolar. My emotions would go from 0-100 real quick, I had so much rage but again, with a generalized sense of control (more like if you do that, you will regret it kinda self control), I learnt to control it. I remember once when I was 18 I fought with everyone in the house because my young brother had changed the channel while I was watching the telie. I was watching sports highlights and puff*, cartoons came on. Obliviously I asked him to put back the sports channel but you know how young brothers are. It wasn’t until I was being held down by my ‘twin‘young brother, two sisters and my mother that I realized that this rage was not good.The remote and decoder smart card were also broken. I now see the same rage in my young brother now. He’s 15. I once told my mother that this was a serious issue. I have seen the same bipolar/rage tendencies in my father and his sisters too. I want to believe my grandfather was the same. The inability to express yourself and the switch in emotions is scary.

I had to learn to control that rage, that anger, and also critically asses the situation. I used to play basketball until I realized it helped and so I started playing every other weekend and use that as an outlet for the pent up energy. I know, amusing. I once told my friend about me taking out all the negative energy on the court and they thought I was being dramatic.

Back to depression…

The ‘benign’tumors came back when I was around 22. I thought the first operation would have sorted me out. Being sick again, the discomfort kinda put me in a downer. This coupled with my very exciting mind were just a recipe for a proper downer. There was a deeper sadness. Happy when you are around people but consumed by your thoughts when you are all alone. But being a man, or thinking myself one, I would never be depressed. I finally went for that second surgery, and this time it was full anesthetic. I remember going under and asking the doctor what would happen if I didn’t wake up, and he smiled and said that they’d just wheel me to the mortuary. Ok. That and the fact that I was still pissed that the attending nurse had failed to place the cannula on me and it left my arm with many scars from the niddle.

When I finally awoke, I was on the recovery bed, happy that I had at least woken up. This time I was reassured that it was not going to happen again. And the doctor also claimed that the first surgery was done poorly. It is also interesting to know that I had played basketball with the doctor occasionally. Small world, right? That night, an accident victim had been wheeled into my recovery room, a car and bodaboda collision from what I had heard and when morning came, he had not made it through the night

The depression kicks in…

A person passing on is not a good experience, especially when you are sharing a room. I went home with thoughts burdened, wondering if I was next. From when I had the surgery, and my hyperactive mind, to the weird rage fits, sleeping was impossible and happiness was near to impossible. School was taking a toll on me-third year, I had failed that semester and that meant re-doing a whole year. It is a funny thing trying to make yourself happy. Occasionally, I’d sleep and think to myself, it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I woke up or didn’t wake up. The thoughts kept on playing in my mind. You have those deep reflective moments where you philosophize and think about life, its meaning and whatever. Sunsets became my favourite thing to see, because I knew, I am/was still here.

Truth is, being depressed is like a catch 22, a double edged sword and it’s easy to mask it. Sometimes, you don’t even know of think of it as being depressed. Just another bad day. And another bad day, and another bad day.

So, what happens next…

Fighting with my family over a stupid TV was eye opener. The rage was not good. My mother up to this day claims I was possessed by a demon, shabby afro hair, unpressed clothes were a norm then. So I decided to play basketball more because it would tire me out, physically, and mentally. I stopped drinking, and quit the cigarettes. Healthy living. I started to focus on faith, regain my spirituality. And slowly I started to create healthy habits. I focused on school work, it kept my mind busy. I also turned the depression and hyper active thoughts to good use, moments of introspect and a deeper search for meaning. Good friends help too, in a way they don’t know. But most of all, writing helped.

Writing…

I have always liked to write. I first learnt to keep a journal when I was 13, and penning my thoughts was good catharsis. And eventually, this blog. I think I would read what I write over and over again, more or else to check and see what my state of mind is and what my state of being is. Writing for me is not just a matter of sharing or making people read but as a means of talking to myself. And I will read this tomorrow and smile, not because of theย clicks….those are very few but because I would know.

Temperament…

I still have my low moments. My I need to be alone moments. I still have the rage, just controlled, and sometimes I honestly pity the guy who gets me on a bad day. And it is exciting to be able to control that rage. And for fucks sake, I still sleep with the lights on. Ok, when I am alone in the house. And my hyper active mind, uhm, you should attempt to read my fiction! Dragons rule.

Understanding myself was/is key in helping me realize whatever was going on. I think.

If you feel like your life has no meaning, or the thoughts consume you to the point of non existence then seek help. It’s not a good feeling. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Intermission

What the FUCK is going on!

Oh, no, this is not me. 

End.

What do you do when the people who take care of you need to be taken care of? I never for one didn’t start to realize the pressure you are under when you have a family to take care of. Parents make our struggle feel effortless. They ensure that you are in school, are fed, have clothes on and much more. It was not until I started earning that I realized the struggles most people go through, family, money, work, life.

It’s just that yesterday, I met someone who was helping a lot of people and they needed help too, and all I could say was that things will get better. That life is about grinding through the minutes, hours, days, months, year and making sure that you enjoy that grind, control the downs, maximize the ups. It was sad. We are trapped in this cycle we call living, waking up and asking ourselves, what next. 

I just don’t want to be trapped. I don’t know how to be trapped. And recently, randomly musing to myself, I asked, how the hell to my parents deal with me, and my other siblings? And it brought on a set of complex emotions and thoughts.

So, today I am grateful. And I thank God for what I have, in whatever capacity, family, friends and enemies too. What’s life without trial? But I also made the absolute decision, again, to impact those around me and more. 

So, I will go for a Rolex today evening, and to my friends, keep going.